No minimum on stupidity when it comes to age limits

David Stern wants to raise the NBA age minimum to 20. I'd like toraise the age minimum of someone taking my order at Taco Bell to 25. (Think about it, folks: How much responsibility do you need to sit atthe end of the Clippers' bench for three years? You pretty much justhave to remember which locker you left your Nikes in. But at a fast-food joint, you're taking dinner orders, handling money, touchingbeef and related meat products -- I mean, this is my one square mealof the day, so the fact that some pimply teenager with a Clearasilfix is coordinating this culinary effort sort of takes the bite outof my appetite.)

The NBA commissioner's position might be good business for the NBA-- it allows the NCAA marketing machine to create marquee names forthe league and keeps owners from signing high-risk youngsters to long-term contracts -- but I believe it violates one of the basic tenetsof American life:

You do what you want to do whenever you want to do it withwhomever you want to do it.

That -- and greed -- pretty much has defined America since, oh,the mid-1770s or so.

Pacers forward Jermaine O'Neal, who went to the NBA in 1996straight out of high school, disagreed with Stern's aim, saying, Youdon't hear about it in baseball or hockey. To say you have to be 20,21 to get in the league, it's unconstitutional. If I can go to theU.S. Army and fight the war at 18, why can't you play basketball for48 minutes and go home?"

Indeed, at 18, you can vote for president, drive in the fast laneand fight in foreign lands, but if you want to play for pay in theNBA, it's a moral quandary. Then again, as for O'Neal asking why youcan't just play ball and go home," the problem is many NBA playersdon't go home; they go to someone else's home and -- bang! -- ninemonths later, they're sending one of their posse to Target forHuggies.

The sporting public is fickle on this issue. Fans marvel at MaryLou Retton as a gold-medal gymnast at 15, Michelle Wie playing on theLPGA Tour at 13, Freddy Adu in Major League Soccer at 14. But when ahigh school star wants to play in the NBA, it threatens the veryfabric of this nation's values.

Part of this is the need we have to embrace the mythology ofintercollegiate sports. We love celebrating the student-athlete, thatgreat balance of mind and body wandering our idyllic, hilly campusesof higher learning, when, in fact, college basketball and collegefootball have absolutely, positively nothing to do with college.

(Of course, the exception is Duke, because Coach K doesn't justteach basketball, he teaches life skills -- and proper management ofrevenue from American Express commercials.)

Anyway, we should embrace these prodigies, not encumber them.

After all, Yo-Yo Ma made his cello debut at 5.

Pablo Picasso exhibited his first works at 13.

Wolfgang Mozart began composing at 5.

Jackie Earle Haley played Kelly in The Bad News Bears" at 14.

(Personal Note I: Not to brag, but I was watching television at 15months, knew how to use the clicker by 2 and could program a BetamaxVCR by 3. In addition, I gave a series of instructional seminars onthe mute button as a first-grader.)

(Personal Note II: If David Stern were commissioner of journalism,Couch Slouch might not be here today. Heck, if I couldn't pursuenewspaper work as an adolescent, I might've turned to a life of three-card monte and Metamucil.)

(Personal Note III: I started earning a sportswriting paycheck at16. My first written words as a professional: Larry Bird might be thebest shooter in all of French Lick, but his total basketball game isso lacking, it appears he's either on the road to nowhere or on theroad to Burger King.")

What's the bottom line? There should be no age minimums ormandatory retirement ages.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Whom do you blame more for the Fenway Park incident -- the RedSox fan or Gary Sheffield? (Rick Avery; De-Kalb, Ill.)

A. We are a nation in cultural decline, largely traceable to theday Johnny Depp trashed a $1,200-a-night New York hotel room in 1994.

Q. I graduate soon. Any ideas on what I can do with a degree insports management, or did I just waste four years and $100,000?(Bobby Cantwell; Orlando, Fla.)

A. I hope you kept a receipt.

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